On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing.

I had to find you, to tell you you're mine.

2010-06-15T10:43:00.001-07:00

i miss the soft gasps of your breath coinciding with my hummingbird heart,

& as the wings of it flew progressively higher, you thrummed your freckled fingers against the porcelain of my chest,

allowing me the gem of your easy silence,

something solely obtained by my love for you, and yours for me;

kissing each corner of your smile as it floats above my eyes

my eyes, dancing terrifyingly, although blissfully, against your skin & bones,

pressed so close against the steel bars of my ribs- (all of which i've exerted forcefully to protect what lies beneath it,

my heart.

until you, & only you, blew constellations of kisses-

imploding the confined cage i'd suffocated my heart within

however i knew,

it always belonged to you

for you have permanently gained the possession of me, your b)

every memory (though i call them treasures)

sunken forevermore into my soul,

of the nights we were one...

we first float delicately over the notches of our spines,

lovers inextricably intertwined

& as the music of our heartbeats found each other

they formed an exquisite melody- always vividly contrasting from the last harmony.

and i gasped from the pain and i smiled from your sighs,

the warmth of each one painting the canvas of my body- the artist in you giving himself to me.

& at the end, rustles of that fire always lingered;

we laid together, entwined in the heavens of our love.

you chased my rocky spine with freckled fingertips

& i caught them and kissed each one

i wish we could have stayed that way always,

your soul & mine,

inextricably intertwined.

my one and only,

you are my forever.

though i forever fear the paralyzing wonder

that may creep up my spine with gashing fingernails-

the everlasting thought of a permanence in your next goodbye,

i will always return to you with whispers of winter

while you requite with the rustling leaves of autumn,

they drift endlessly, peacefully through my veins

& always reach my hummingbird heart.

sometimes i wonder...

2010-06-13T22:50:00.001-07:00

if you've already forgotten the look in my eyes when i told you i loved you infinitely.

2010-06-13T22:49:00.000-07:00

it's fascinating, the love that goes into setting a heart on fire. even more fascinating, is the smoke that tumbles out in whispers from the chaos.
i've always found it strange, how in the midst of my feeble attempts to strike a match against your pulse and send it screaming... i've instead caught the backlash of the flames. i ate them carelessly, and at times i still feel the echoes of fire in my lungs. is it my heart finding its way back to where it used to be?

maybe, maybe not.
however i've found the poison to overwhelm that forgotten treasure,
the one that comes crawling in and chokes my lost heart.

2010-05-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

wrung out on the high wires of your smile,
bluebirds caressed the tips of my fingers

sing me to sleep

2010-05-16T21:38:00.001-07:00

Exhale.
It gets better.

2010-05-07T12:14:00.001-07:00

Tell me what I'm living for, when the guy I made my life threw me away.

2010-04-29T21:51:00.000-07:00

I am breathless, and each gasp of air was not well spent.

I'd prefer it, if I could just disappear.
If I could shut my eyes to your bruising melodies,
and slowly feel the pores of my skin drift away,
I'll unravel the strings of my heart just to send them flying
into the Unknown; as long as it is pitch black,
and empty.
I haven't felt safe in a while,
I have lost the sense of comfort I once discovered in the security of knowing.
So... why not disappear?

Though, I beg of you...
I'd much rather gain the ability to hope
that you will allow me to escape, with you,
before I manifest into the intangible darkness of the unknown.
That, maybe... just maybe, you will smell my fear and sense my grief,
& you'll take me by my fingertips, by the ends of my hair;
and you'll make sure I never have to return.

I'll go anywhere with you, so
Take me away, but only if you promise to join me.

I am broken.

2010-04-21T10:23:00.001-07:00

Are you happy now?

2010-04-18T18:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes I wonder what's holding me together. maybe you do, maybe the tips of your fingers hold my spine together when the one million strands that hold it together begin to unravel on to the concrete ground. & you hold me up on your palms when my heavy heart weighs me down with the force of midnight nightmares, the ones that creep up within the hollow of my bones. and in those moments, I reach out my arms for you... & there you are, ready to thaw me out of my weaknesses and fears.
everyone has abused the permanence of "forever", but I hope you realize the strength in those words when I say them. two years has tested the lover in me, and there's no one else in this world who will ever possess my heart except for you. you are my always.

it's terrifying to realize

2010-04-16T23:08:00.000-07:00

that you are no longer a whisper, a lingering thought i wrung out until it was breathless. instead- you are here, you are no longer a goodbye. you terrify me, because as long as i have loved you, i have never grasped the knowledge of this side of you. but once i do, i'll absorb it all, so far down into the fibers of my heart... and i'll inhale your permanence, so i can breathe easy, dream easy, love easy.

Every time I feel I've escaped you,

2010-04-16T16:02:00.000-07:00

Your claws reach back into the tendrils of my veins and I drink your poison in directly to my bloodstream. Or maybe I secretly look for you. Maybe when my eyes are closed and my mind is open, the ghost of my footprints find their way to you. And I hide myself in the shelf of your memories; posessions of mine which you stole for me in the shiver of time. It could be that my breath lingers for you, so when my body's gone you can sense me in the grave of my spirit. I'm not quite sure what it is, but regardless I've always returned, you've always returned... and here we are. Me & my own personal, self-inflicted monster, the one that creeps up my spine with gashing fingernails and leaves constellations of its dirty fingerprints against my palms.... so whenever I'd look down at my hands with my knees to the ground, I'd be reminded that it isn't one to disappear- that it will forever be there, haunting my lucid mind whether or not I notice its appearance. It's that hidden place, a destination you’d only find after your feet traced an endless maze, where the dust collects; in the corners of my lungs, on the surface of the hollowed clouds in my brain, at the bottom of my feet and the top of my insanity.

& Suddenly, I'm tip-toeing at the spine of the sidewalk, as the rush of the lights edging near my brittle-framed body roller-coasters my hummingbird heart. What if, what if. & I wonder if I've manifested you, or if you're always existed- just chosen to remain dormant when you didn't feel you had the strength to overcome me. & the second I shut my window against the world, you ate the sunshine that attempted to crawl through. Though I neglect you, though I've attempted to beat my hands against the dirt you've caked into my pores and however much I dread the whisper I first hear of you- your first slither against my neck... you're truly the only thing that's ever held the ability to return to me. Your goodbye is never permanent, and I've neglected to realize the safety I desire in first spotting your haunted eyes through the peepholes in my mind. I feel no caution with you to wonder if you'll stay- because when everyone else disappeared and all I could grasp of them was intangible hums in the wind... you were there, waiting. Eternally the monster that could only attach itself to me.

tell me what you know about dreamin'

2010-04-10T16:15:00.001-07:00

i will never be the same

2010-04-10T16:14:00.000-07:00

I tried to plant lilies in the field you left behind. & every time I managed to bloom one flower, I'd kiss each petal goodnight. & I'd soften my footsteps against the ground I hid my screams in, so you could dream easy. Whenever my strings would begin to unravel onto to your stone tomb of a heart, I'd carefully take each end by my fingertips and piece myself back together again- though I'd never get it right, I'd always end up watching my soul trail behind my coffin of a body.

& each lily I planted, you'd pluck each petal from the root and strike a match against their hope.

how low have i sunk?

2010-04-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

Written: 10th grade english class, 2009

The thought of being educationally “active” has recently reached an all time low, but can you blame me? The heat is sweltering and swine flu has taken over spring fever.
So what can I do, sit in those itchy classrooms aching for the drench of steady summer heat and that desperate craving for a cool breeze and expect myself to what, concentrate? Whatever, your days are numbered Immaculate Heart High School.
However, I recently partook in a Creative Writing assignment for my American Literature class, a class I recently began to stop despising. We were supposed to simply introduce a story from the exact moment we were living, (in this respect the moment of sitting in a wooden desk choking on polyester) but write it about an experience previous to the present. We had about ten minutes so I chose to write the first few things that came through my mind, however random or obviously inappropriate. Low and behold, I actually didn’t mind the story too much.
Read it and well, the rest i’ll leave to you…
“There is nothing like a Monday to keep you in a state of unnecessary panic before the clock even strikes midnight, to such an extent that Sunday’s shouldn’t even count as a weekend. Monday’s, for me, consist of coming to school, or dragging myself if we really want to go there, and starting the day in a robotic haze, relieving myself with daydreams and “What if’s” as much as I can. BUT, despite what your parents tell you about YOUR FUTURE YOUR FUTURE and TODAY WILL AFFECT TOMORROW, fuck it for now. What I’ve been meaning to tell you about, anyone about for that matter, was the day my earth stood still, the unforgettable yet impossible to remember time I fell in love with, a figment of my imagination. Yeah, you’re about to hear another fucking crummy love story so grab your hats and lenseless glasses if you can’t take it anymore. Trust me, I understand. Nonetheless, if you’d like to stay, know this: a story like mine holds no greater lessons on the other side of the door. You won’t find what you need and the greater epiphanies I experience will be altered and argued down to nothing. It’s a shitty story but it’s mine… I promise you that.”
Maybe I’ll write a novel, that’s a lie.

Lover, I have to hold on to you, to hold on to me.

2010-03-30T22:07:00.000-07:00

never misjudge the most faithful heart

of your beloved

"If I could make you understand"; that is what has been travelling through my vocal chords far too often these past few days. If I could just give you a grip of it, hand you a taste of it, slip you a glimpse of it & let you bask in the knowledge of what I know, of what I understand as my love for you. But I could never, could I? And I will never, will I? & for once, I suppose I'm content with that, because it just means the beat of our fingertips thrumming against each other's hearts will never run out of sound- that together, the harmony we have created... will only extend itself to reach the circumference of the universe & we can forever drench each other in what we know, in what we learn of our love for each other. My one & only, no string of letters will ever make you understand just how deeply I've fallen in love with your eyes, just how terribly much you mean to me or simply... just how much I love you.

Think about watching one rain drop fall- watching that kaleidoscope tear drop makes it journey from the ashes of the sky to its death, as it hits the pavement without a sound. But it's quite impossible, isn't it? Because the moment you attempt to catch the life of one raindrop, there are a million others desperate to find the glimmer in your eye, & direct it at them. In the same way, when I write about you & what I've found in your eyes... Well, your eyes are one million crystal raindrops, pouring over my battered heart- Could I ever really follow the journey of one thing I've found in them? No, of course not. I simply allow my numb palms to grasp ten's, hundred's in my hand... & make my attempt at showing them to you, so you can see what I see in the raindrops of your eyes.

your heart is my own personal constellation-

a cluster of stars spread against the roof of my love.

overgrown heart.

2010-03-24T22:39:00.000-07:00

if my arms extended far enough to touch the outskirts of the universe, i'd create my own constellation; i'd connect the dots into your reflection, so whenever you disappeared... i could dig my heels into the dirt and my knees into my teeth, and i could stare endlessly at the sky & find your eyes in the pattern of clustered stars i rearranged and organized for my own pitiful benefit. but at least the reflection i molded from stardust would always be beautiful. maybe then, i'd never have to fear the layers of your age unmasking to reveal your horrifying undertow; maybe then i would never be terrified of your current, unforeseen and vicious, pulling me under the indescribable surface of who you are now.

but god, help me... hopefully i'm wrong; you're not just a surface, right? a thin layer of crystal clear water that is only a false portrayal of reality, manipulated by my own heart so i could temporarily forget the person (people) you have been. no, no please let this be real. prove me wrong, that i haven't fallen down another rabbit hole of imagination, that you are here to stay. i wish i could see past the pain in your eyes & discover the seed of your truth. and when i do dig it out of its position in your mind, it's exactly as you say it is. i wish for it to be the counterpart of my honesty. because... because i love you more then anyone will ever understand, i love you enough to pour out my dreams, i love you enough to forgive you & i know i will love you forever... but i also have neglected to focus on the fact that i love you enough, to be blind to what you're capable of doing. and with every step i take through the sidewalks of my heart, my footprints grow seeds of hope, and forgiveness but also of anger and... bitter nostalgia.
i only hope the orchids you've bloomed will overpower whatever venom-laced dandelions have been planted in my overgrown garden of a heart.

a false smile never built my wings, but her fallen feathers did

2010-03-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

i wish i could send you some love.

just pieces...

just pieces of that infinite love i know i hold for you;

so you can put it together, i swear.

you'll twist it and break it and throw it to the sky,

but in the end

will you piece it together,

& create something beautiful?

i hope you one day find what i've found in the pathway to your heart, & you find warmth in that

thought of you as everything, i've had but couldn't keep

2010-03-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

i forgot the extent of my love for you in the beat of a raindrop's music.
though i knew that in the time where my question marked lips drip-drip-dripped worry, suffocating my thoughts with a cloak of hesitance... that love did not disappear. it was not absent, and in those few moments... instead of disappearing, it simply remained dormant; asleep as in the volcano that waits for its precious moment to seize the night. & as i burned my hope like acid, you just as easily took my poisoned fingertips and kissed each one with your love's delicacy. without even knowing what affect you held on me, my hope just as easily floated back & flooded the caverns of my knowledge with my love for you. and what you'll never know, is how many times in a day you hold the ability to do so.
whenever you rest your head on my shoulder and hold my waist with the ease of your hands, i remember that my overflow of vulnerability within your presence will never harm me, like it has before. instead, you take my fears and wring every morsel of suffocation out of them; & allow them to bask in the sun, collecting golden treasures of strength. whenever i catch your eyes staring into the very core of me, i feel the reflection of the collage of your apologies... & in that instant, i know you deserve to be forgiven for your former self. whenever you kiss me, you and only you hold the potential to emit a shower of permanent passion from every pore of my being. and whenever i'm within your delicately strong embrace, i know there's no other place in the entire world that holds the sense of warmth you do.
& in the end, you'll never quite know your affect on me. i wish i could reveal handfuls of what i see. if i could, i would catch the reflection of your eyes when they are pouring into mine, & melt it into tangible fragments i could hold in my palms. & for a few seconds, i'd give you a glimpse of that love; before inhaling it into the seeds of my soul so it could grow rosebuds of hope & forgiveness, pieces of me that were weakened in the fires of our past.

i wish i could finish this... but there will never be nothing to say, you teach me something every time i'm with you. but what will always be true and complete, is that i will love you, forever.

finding my skin

2010-03-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

currently listening: atmosphere- lifter, puller

"it gives me that feeling of being something i can only be with music,

& the song always sounds different, depending on how you feel"

i feel so absent-minded lately;

however, not in a sense of being preoccupied,

or having a film over my eyes

more so, a simply... absent mind,

i don't have much to say or much to feel;

my thoughts aren't being carried over to the next moment;

i'm no longer processing why i lost a friendship,

how i lost her in the midst of losing myself...

how i gave up caring for myself, and in that blur of the

spiral down the rabbit hole... i stopped caring about her, too.

and i no longer wonder why another friendship fell apart

i don't care to wonder how she unraveled,

how the thin veil of the "beautiful disaster, god save her soul"

image came apart so easily in my eyes;

& i was left, staring at

the woven tapestry of manipulation

she considers a loving heart

because... the art of manipulation

is best portrayed in one's ability to

trick themselves, isn't it?

but i can't say i don't find myself
shifting to her kaleidoscope-pigment eyes

& wondering if she still ponders
how we somehow managed to grind the egdes,

that fit us together so perfectly, to the point where we no longer

coincided as each other's other half's.

and i can't say i don't let the thrumming anger

in my bruised heart from her frozen words,

spilled ink splattered all over your "loving heart",

overwhelm my newfound future without her presence,

& take me by the hand and twirl me

around the moon to the past.

absent-mind,

i've lost you in the caverns of yesterday

& the prospects of tomorrow;

but with the series of events,

that's left my heart brimming

with searing realization...

i think i'll leave you lost, keep you hidden

i'll just let the soothing darkness of disappearance

drown the monsters when you sleep.

only to discover

2010-03-05T21:35:00.000-08:00

Sinking within my winter limbs

I travelled through the rotten cobblestone

labyrinths, of spider

webbed forevermore’s

& when the petals drowned the chasms in the road,

i only knew

that i had found you;

there will I forever remain,

intertwined beneath the midnight lucidity of our eyes.

inhaling the freckles of your skin as you leave

crumpled imprints of mosaic stained fingerprints on my limbs.

Tugging on the threads of my stunned heart

you separated crumbled constellations,

so I could tell them apart.

tug a few strings & let me fall apart..

2010-03-01T18:34:00.000-08:00

i forged the lyrics on the imprints of your palms

bleeding purple ink into

the permanent possession of your veins;

for every treasured embrace of the

lines of my face

were spindle-spun into the crevice of your smile.

i would have stolen those corners,

sinking my pressed kisses into your fingers;

a woven note to remember me by,

& crooks of you i could hold on to

maybe,

the falsities in your forever's could

grow stems of longing;

blooming orchids in your field of roses

maybe

2010-02-24T20:22:00.001-08:00

Maybe,

I could clutter a thousand constellations spread on the ceiling of your palms

--dig them honeysuckle deep into my ridges;

& to be blind to the oncoming melodies, when the blue and black bees come singing

i will sweep the dust under my eyes and blink them,

shuttered shut from the oncoming melody.

& we will still remain, intertwined:

fingerstems of you in my skin

will those

cluster bees follow me?

bled your ink into my serenity

2010-02-15T23:47:00.000-08:00

every time i allow my mind to overwork,

to spin & turn its notches that are rusted & withering away,

i always end up turning them back off,

allowing them to give into the ultimate sense of bliss: the power of nothing.

because, because,

i'll never be able to find the answers as to

why she is the way she is,

why he did what he did,

why i am.. what i am.

SO WHY TRY?

i fucking quit.

first try, be gentle.

2010-02-10T22:51:00.000-08:00

today, i went to a discussion with three poets,

all of whom write political pieces

& i was inspired to write this.

one minute;

she could hear her own heels clicking,

clicked

against the sharpened dirt of her backyard

next minute;

the patterns of her footsteps lost,

as the ground puzzle-piece disappeared

beneath her firefly laced eyes;

one minute;

gasping cold water breaths,

as the laughter rang bright in the ears

of a mother, a father

chasing after ponytailed hair,

laughter rang bright in the ears

of a mother, a father

next minute;

choking on her paralyzing

wonder, the ground choking

on the dust splitting,

split

beneath the absence of the

click in her heels

I wonder if her eyes closed before she

plunged into the depths of her knowledge’s death

I wonder,

what schemes she sought,

that would forever be,

incomplete.

Did she bloom roses?

Petals buried beneath

the debri

of a mother, a father.

2010-02-06T23:45:00.001-08:00

fear is suffocating, selfish, haunting, inescapable.

blocked.

2010-02-04T15:14:00.000-08:00

captured
caught
discovered
monsters
spine
spring
caress
clutch
lost
breeze
found
soul
forever
now
lead
happy
anxious
eternal
poison
lost
lost
found
found
here
fingers
there
goodbye

Blown a wish.

2010-02-01T20:40:00.000-08:00

I wish I didn't have the most perfect vision, so I could see awkward areas of color & the filled in lines of the skyline, without detail,... yet still incredibly exquisite. I wish I had trouble hearing, so I could lift the volume of my voice and plunge my ear drums with the vibrating noise of my scream; I wish I could open my lungs, & never be able to hear my own voice unless I really let my heart fill up with everything good & bad in this life, & drain it to the cement beneath my feet, and the blue above my eyes. I wish I had temporary stages of numbness throughout the day, so the shock of the next tragedy wouldn't leave a scar on such tattered skin.

More then that,

I wish the world wasn't so hard to look at sometimes.

I wish it didn't inject venom into my vision,

I wish the colors weren't so vibrant, so harsh to stare into.

I wish... sometimes, things were easier to hear,

easier to listen to.

I wish... I never had to force myself to be numb,

because the scars I left myself,

the scars burned into my flesh were nonexistent.

I need a dose of leeches to my heart,
to drain my body of the bad blood,

swimming through my veins &
keeping me up at night. I need to love him,

before I lose him. I need to sweep, drown &
destroy the ashes in my heart,

rain them over the ocean & let them go.

Because,

If I keep digging into them,
keep leaving the remnants of the dirty surface

of my soul underneath my fingernails, I'll never heal.

I NEED TO LET MY LUNGS.... BREATHE,

I need to swim up to the surface,

stress, tear & force my muscles to exert every

sense of power they hold, &

I need to stop drowning.

I must, because despite my denial,

I will never be able to swim once I've hit

the bottom of the ocean.

From now on, I will not be the person I was today, yesterday.

swimming.

Where is she?

2010-02-01T19:24:00.001-08:00

Can you,
bring her back?
Because I don't like the thing that's replaced her.

would, could, should... can we?

2010-01-31T20:34:00.000-08:00

He feeds his smiles through the holes in my atmosphere,

balances my soul on the tips of his cringed fingers;

& I'm so hesitant to relax his bones,

for fear of his hands letting go.

I feel so effortlessly balanced,

as if I've been twirled into a new galaxy,

& even his sharpest words are my landing spots.

That suffocated planet i spend so much time in:

he takes me by the waist, by my hands & by the heart...

and suddenly, I breathe so easily within the tightest embrace,

because I'm in his arms.

If I could play the instrument to his heart,

I'd memorize the beat & retrace my steps within it...

& I'd find me in them, and listen to it over & over;

just to remind me that,

I am so loved

by the most exquisite soul I could ever find in this world.

Can I be taught, how to build? So I can build a staircase to the highest extent of my love, & scream the sight of it down to you?

(These pieces hold no endings, because they are a continuous flow; I could never end something about someone I still have so much time to discover.)

baby blue.

2010-01-28T23:51:00.000-08:00

send me a breeze, baby blue
maybe i'll swim on that love, to
her speckle-dust cobwebs
fingerstemmed
in her skin
(tinting my feathered heart)
with a mosaic smile,
shards of a past) she screams,
"stay a while,

baby blue"
long enough to hold her frozen hands,
kicking at the ashes
sift.
sift through*
breaststroke through the debri

i caught your smile,
and fed it to,
the holes in her heart
wearing her
in
out*
in & out.

overflowing.

2010-01-26T21:03:00.001-08:00

I have these ongoing fears that will possibly, quite possibly destroy me andtheystartfromoneittybittythoughtandcontinueandcontinueandgrowandgrowuntiltheyexplodeinmyvioletwordsmyredbloodedscreamsandimgoingtodrivehimawayiknowiwill.

i'm a blotched, redpenned, overworked, overthrought rough draft.

that's it. finito.

describing the indescribable

2010-01-26T21:02:00.000-08:00

tracing the spine, basements, corners & cracks of my heart,

you'll discover bruised sidewalks,

skyscraper memories,

hallways that lead to my summer skin,

winter's breath; freezing to the touch & warm to the taste

and a lost & found love.

i am....
light on my toes because he sweeps me off of my feet,

a weightless heart, because i'm not the one in possession of it,

a full mind, because he's never too far away from my thoughts,

and... shining eyes, because his love hides right behind them

i wish i could lock this love, freeze it in a steel cage,

because my truest fear is its escape.

time(less)

2010-01-26T15:46:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been three steps away
from snapping at the person on my left or right side.
I've been a pull & a push away
from somersaulting off of the day of the week,
I've been a grimace, pout & glare away
from emptying my lungs and flaring
like the lightning that's been tugging on my heels these past few days.

& maybe, maybe I have...

I've been bothered, you see...

by the looks, the judgements, the preconceived notions,

If everyone could spend a few minutes, an hour or two a week...

setting their eyes to the channel WIDE OPEN,

& maybe, maybe be a child for just a few minutes

Remember? When you were caught in the headlights

every time you saw something new,

something so trite, so little but it changed your perception,

& maybe, maybe you could see what I see.

Maybe you could open your heart, open your mind,

if you just open your eyes.

I used to be that girl, who had it all figured out; who had locked her mind up because she had simply seen it all. There was no need to see the Great Wall of China, I had spend enough time staring at the blindingly white walls in my room. No need to see another river, weren't puddles enough?

No need to believe anything other then what I already did.

But then I tuned my eyes,

took a spin around the moon,

& flew through something new...

but the one thing my squinted eyes were set on,

was the belief that it took years to truly know if you loved someone

Then, just another day... I let my feet get lost in vocal chords,

I shut my judgements away

& I learned something new.

You should try it sometime,

Life isn't always answered as you believe it to be.

So, listen.

What if a guy got stuck waiting for an airplane, at some rundown airport.

All of the hotels were booked & it would be just a few hours before he could get on the next one.

What if a girl were stuck in the same airport? Just a few hours,

twiddling her thumbs to the elevator music as the rain beat down

the airplanes that weren't for her.

& They met... They met, & they stayed together for those three hours. Let's say, they let themselves be vulnerable for those few hours, let's say they unlocked the keys to their twisted hearts, optimistic/pessimistic/empty brain... & they let that other person in. The guy and the girl each spoke about their dreams, they chuckled at the same jokes... & her laugh managed to send a shiver up his knotted spine every time he cracked a not-so-impressive joke in her direction. What if the graze of his fingers on her arm as he went to refill his coffee made her warm inside, made her heart speed hummingbird-wild? & after just three hours, she thought... "Wow, he's special."

& after just three or four hours, he thought "Wow, this girl... she's something,

something I could love,

someone I could give my heart to..."

What if their minds were OPEN to love,

and even though they didn't have years of time, they just had hours,

maybe they didn't have all of the knowledge & the wisdom about each other,

what if their unlocked hearts could have let someone in?

What if they had discovered their definition of time(less) love?

So then, as all things come to an end, they took each other's numbers down,

and boarded different planes, went on with their separate lives. Though he smiled

as he thought of the way the sun hit the side of her cheek when the clouds had finally parted

& she thought about the way her eyes locked on to his as he told her his dreams,

dreams so beautiful she'd never sought to find them in any of her clouds.

& then that guy, the young undiscovered human being, passed away.

One second he was steady dreaming,

& the next the plane lost its control,

spun out,

and he was no longer a dreamer, a lover, a believer.

Are you going to tell that girl that she didn't lose the guy she loved?

Are you going to tell me that her heart, fully open to his, wasn't broken?

Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I'm hopeless,
or maybe I'm just open.

don't need navigation, just follow the lengths in your eyes

2010-01-23T21:43:00.000-08:00

My head is a little heavy,

But my heart is light,

even while fluttering as quickly & delicately as a hummingbird's wings

my mind is floating between comfort & calm,

& my body is spent, but holds a sense of possession I usually have trouble finding.

I've learned more then a few things through my trivial and tragic arguments, fights, broken hearts, memories, smiles, laughter and tears. But the one thing that's been traveling behind my eyesight like the sun seems to on a blistering day... is this:

Don't let yourself pull and tug at your anxiety over the decisions you know you have already made.

One often leans toward questioning their decisions

because their rubiks-cubed mind is twisting itself into

a downward spiral of regret and doubt,

but if you peer close into the keyhole to your heart,

you'll see that you've already said yes before you uttered the words,

and if you peer even closer,

if you squint one eye and turn your head a few degrees,

you'll see... you can't ever change your mind about what your heart chooses,

even if the past is screaming no, the future is... sighing at the hopefulness it feels.

I won't edit this, whatever I said was brimming at the boiling surface of my heart.

It was a beautiful day today,

did you let your eyelids flutter closed to the exquisite sky?

or did you open them, just for the hope of spotting something special,

& witnessed the day as effortlessly as it was created?

I hope you did, because truly,

our days are timeless.

Then I have those days, when I walk on the edge of the sidewalk.

2010-01-21T14:53:00.000-08:00

I feel as if leeches have been thriving in my heart these past few days,

sucking it of all its energy, & patience.

But they haven't done their job,

all they've left is the remains of a charcoal heart.

"I'm sorry for who I can be, I'm so sorry"...

I feel like saying that to everyone who has crossed my path these past few days.

I've resorted to quick judgements, snappy replies & a growing impatience for just about everything and everyone.

I don't want to be this person anymore, but the monster that licks my spine & haunts my mind,

I don't control it, I can't control it.

I see her, giving me all of the advice I need,

listening to my endless worries as I drown her with my fears

& insecurities

& trite, unnecessary complaints.

And today, I realized I forgot the last time I asked her how she was,

and actually listened.

"I'm sorry for who I can be, I'm so sorry"

I see him, trying so hard to make me happy,

& all I do is throw bitter words & the past back at him.

For every pull, I give a push.

"I'm sorry for who I can be, I'm so sorry"

I'm so tired of myself, I'm so repulsed by the poison-fanged monster.

I am happy.

I am impatient.

I have energy.

I am drained.

What do you see, when you look in the mirror?

& What do I see?

I wouldn't know,
I can't look myself in the eyes for more then a few minutes,

for fear of seeing something
I've managed to hide with the dust I paint over my pupils.

This isn't me,

Usually, I'm floating at the edge of happiness, and hanging off of the cliff of ecstasy.

& sometimes... sometimes, I'm edging around the corners of the labyrinth in my spirit.

Always, tip-toeing at the spine of something new,

but never truly there.

And now, I am.... buried, in air. So how do I unbury myself from something so intangible?

I've just seem to have misplaced me somewhere between

exhaustion

impatience

& fear.

Maybe, I'm just tired.

If you have a solution,

a snap of your fingers or a twirl of a wand,

for a boost of soul-energy.

A wheatgrass shot to the spirit,

let me know.

been so long since my feet felt the ground

2010-01-19T22:15:00.000-08:00

Don't ever wish for... depression.

don't think that depression loosens your chains on creativity,
and don't believe for a second that the pain you drown yourself in will leave you feeling... unique.

"everyone wants to be fucked up. but when you actually are, you'd give anything to be happy again."

depression is every manifestation of the greater forces of life.

it is the wind that takes you up by the hairs on your skin,
spiraling your mind out from its hiding place in your body, & thrashes you
back and forth, dragging you across the pebble memories.

it is the fire that burns your hope like acid,
that tears up your world from the inside-out,
leaving a trail of ashes in its wake.

it is the earth, a planet based on the concept of gravity-
a forced destined to keep you stable, to hold you down by your roots;
but our knowledge has taught us differently, our knowledge taught us
that the gravity that pushes us down... we twist it,
we make it capable of plunging us six feet under. the earth.

& it's the... water, the rivers, the salty sea water that stays
permeated in our pores for hours after our return from the beach.
it's the freshest, purest water we take sips of to wash down the hidden
solvents to our demons.

if there is anything i regret in my sixteen years, it's letting myself drown in the most shallow pond.
a pond so shallow, you can see its depth from the surface.
because that's what depression forces you to succumb to.
to... absolutely nothing.

i am nothing. hear me roar.

become something, create something, love something, push something,

pull something, grow something, make something,

imagine something, sing something,

write something,

BE SOMETHING.

before you are nothing.

steady

2010-01-18T14:58:00.000-08:00

Days like these...

I want to catch every morsel dripping from the sky

& swallow it whole, because as easily as they come,

they just as easily disappear.

Rainy sundays, lazy sundays, why have you crawled into my monday?

As delicate as dandelions

2010-01-17T15:34:00.000-08:00

as fragile as the foam,
dancing on the spine of your wave
spiral stepping into the
hollowed sand of your palm

this is unfinished, but i like you.

Will you still love me in the morning?

2010-01-14T20:50:00.000-08:00

There's something so frightening about the word 'unconditional'.

(Unconditional love is a term that means to love someone regardless of one's actions or beliefs.

It is the kind of love that expects nothing back, places no limits, and does not set any ideals or conditions on what it should be.
When you love in this way you do it without expectation of reciprocity and with no preconceived notions of how or if they will express love back to you.

Quite simply, unconditional love is love without conditions. It is love without requiring anything in return, love no matter what. )

Without... condition. I had that, I have that, I'll always have that. It's a gift I was blessed with.
He leaves my heart boiling over with passion, sincerity... & effortless happiness. But just as quickly, he freezes my heart over & drops it from the clouds I painted for him. He drags my love across the sharpest gravel, & just as easily sweeps me off of my limbs and crushes my disdain.... and then it's there...

powdered smiles;
so easily given, so easily blown away.

I could never describe to you what he's given to me, or what he took away.

I could never paint a picture for you, of what I see when I look at him,

of what I find when he gives me the tiniest piece of his heart.

Because there aren't enough colors in the world to depict his pain. A pain I've stared into, a pain I've pulled, tugged and pushed at just for the attempt to destroy it. There aren't enough colors to stain a canvas because there will never be enough

blues in the ocean,

greens in the trees or

reds in the vein of one's past...

to show you, what I've found in the center of his eyes.

Whenever I look past the surface,

my breath catches in my throat with a hollowed shiver because for just a second,

my love's roots continue to stem onto another cracked sidewalk,

my heart throbs with the shock of... the unconditional.

There is not enough shade to structure the bones I've traced over countless times, to structure the arms that have held me delicately, effortlessly, firmly... & without hesitation. Do you know what it is, to memorize the notches of a lover's spine? Or to... dig up your heart from where he's buried it... only to give it right back to him?

Because it never really belonged to me, my soul, my bones, my heart.

I was made, to be given away.

I was born to love, whether I was born to love him,

I don't know, I'll never know.
But I do, just as the sun rises every morning, & just as the moon
peaks out from its hidden spot in the sky,
my love is never absent.
That's unconditional.
Gravel love, frozen heart
I love you.

"It's never gonna be
normal, you and me...
what you're signing on for is a storm, at sea
so if you think you're tough,
give me all your love
& I'll give you every little piece of me"

lately my hands, they don't feel like mine

2010-01-14T18:35:00.001-08:00

"my eyes been stung with dust and blind,
held you in my arms one time, lost you just the same. "

i miss the naivety of being young,
i miss walking in on my loved ones,
glassy eyed & lost,
& it never crossed my mind that they were... losing.
it never crossed my mind that their broken bodies
were being beaten down by their controlled self-abuse.
it never occurred to me that their cancer,
was a tumor they painted into their skulls.

if i could...

i would have dripped water on to their paintings

and washed and recycled the colors...
into something that warmed them,
that loved them,
that found them.
could i have saved you?
could i have sing-song-sung a perfect sonnet,
would my watercoloured attempts be enough?

Your screaming lullabye taught me how to breathe, how to love,

and... how to see. You forced my fluttered eyelids to shock themselves wide open,
& like the feeling of diving into the bliss of the morning's searing sunlight,
I could never be blind again.

But the one thing i'm blind to, will destroy me. The one thing I can't force my eyelids open to, for fear of the thrashing rain stinging them dry... is me, & what i've done, & who i've become.
Find me. I'm here. Stacked in the shelves of your lullabye.

It could, should, would have been me. Will it, be me?

The green in our eyes flecked two of the same,
wish, wash your pain away.

"jolene, i ain't about to go straight. it's too late.
i found myself face down in the ditch, booze in my hair,
blood on my lips."

2010-01-13T20:01:00.001-08:00

I despise hope,

because...

Hope makes you believe the ashes that have been carefully blown into the cluttered

trunk of your heartbeat.... will maybe, just maybe disintegrate under his touch. It makes you withdraw yourself from the reality of what is, & send you

plunging

into the deep, lightless, disgusting unknown of what could be. I used to think I was so much better off in my clouded head, taking my nerves & my mind into the abyss of the darkest corners of dreaming.

& there, within my heavy head, balancing on weightless wings, I could breathe easy.

I had fooled myself; I dreamt so pretty and lived so ugly.

Now, I live so ugly and dream so empty.

Currently listening:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IUGzY-ihqWc

MAKE ME

2010-01-12T22:11:00.000-08:00

push, at my nerves

until i can't feel my bones

tug, at the tips of my fingers

until i spiral down the rabbit hole

pull, at the strings of my heart

until my brittle breath can beat him away

hold,

me together,

while i fall apart.

don't be so cruel.

"do you remember,

she promised to love you?"

pull me out of the water.

2010-01-12T20:34:00.001-08:00

I am created from the creations of other individuals.

I am newspaper scraps, shitty lyrics and...

pieces.

Lately, I've become repulsed by myself. I pick up faces,

and put them on. I stretch words out, step inside of them

& come out feeling... different.

But I'm not any different.

I'm just you, I'm everyone...

But why can't I, be me?

Whoever she is...

Wake her up, I beg you.

She might still be in here.

But she is drowning.