finding my skin

currently listening: atmosphere- lifter, puller 

"it gives me that feeling of being something i can only be with music, 

& the song always sounds different, depending on how you feel"

i feel so absent-minded lately; 

however, not in a sense of being preoccupied,

or having a film over my eyes  

more so, a simply... absent mind,

i don't have much to say or much to feel;

my thoughts aren't being carried over to the next moment;

i'm no longer processing why i lost a friendship, 

how i lost her in the midst of losing myself...

how i gave up caring for  myself, and in that blur of the 

spiral down the rabbit hole... i stopped caring about her, too.

and i no longer wonder why another friendship fell apart

i don't care to wonder how she unraveled,

how the thin veil of the "beautiful disaster, god save her soul" 

image came apart so easily in my eyes;

& i was left, staring at 

the woven tapestry of manipulation 

she considers a loving heart

because... the art of manipulation 

is best portrayed in one's ability to 

trick themselves, isn't it? 

 but i  can't say i don't find myself 
shifting to her kaleidoscope-pigment eyes 

& wondering if she still ponders 
how we somehow managed to grind the egdes,

that fit us together so perfectly, to the point where we no longer 

coincided as each other's other half's. 

and i can't say i don't let the thrumming anger 

in my bruised heart from her frozen words,

spilled ink splattered all over your "loving heart",

overwhelm my newfound future without her presence,

& take me by the hand and twirl me 

around the moon to the past.

absent-mind, 

i've lost you in the caverns of yesterday

& the prospects of tomorrow;

but with the series of events,

that's left my heart brimming

with searing realization...

i think i'll leave you lost, keep you hidden

i'll just let the soothing darkness of disappearance 

drown the monsters when you sleep.