Lover, I have to hold on to you, to hold on to me.

never misjudge the most faithful heart 

of your beloved

"If I could make you understand"; that is what has been travelling through my vocal chords far too often these past few days. If I could just give you a grip of it, hand you a taste of it, slip you a glimpse of it & let you bask in the knowledge of what I know, of what I understand as my love for you. But I could never, could I? And I will never, will I? & for once, I suppose I'm content with that, because it just means the beat of our fingertips thrumming against each other's hearts will never run out of sound- that together, the harmony we have created... will only extend itself to reach the circumference of the universe & we can forever drench each other in what we know, in what we learn of our love for each other. My one & only, no string of letters will ever make you understand just how deeply I've fallen in love with your eyes, just how terribly much you mean to me or simply... just how much I love you. 

Think about watching one rain drop fall- watching that kaleidoscope tear drop makes it journey from the ashes of the sky to its death, as it hits the pavement without a sound. But it's quite impossible, isn't it? Because the moment you attempt to catch the life of one raindrop, there are a million others desperate to find the glimmer in your eye, & direct it at them. In the same way, when I write about you & what I've found in your eyes... Well, your eyes are one million crystal raindrops, pouring over my battered heart- Could I ever really follow the journey of one thing I've found in them? No, of course not. I simply allow my numb palms to grasp ten's, hundred's in my hand... & make my attempt at showing them to you, so you can see what I see in the raindrops of your eyes. 

your heart is my own personal constellation- 

a cluster of stars spread against the roof of my love.

overgrown heart.

if my arms extended far enough to touch the outskirts of the universe, i'd create my own constellation; i'd connect the dots into your reflection, so whenever you disappeared... i could dig my heels into the dirt and my knees into my teeth, and i could stare endlessly at the sky & find your eyes in the pattern of clustered stars i rearranged and organized for my own pitiful benefit. but at least the reflection i molded from stardust would always be beautiful. maybe then, i'd never have to fear the layers of your age unmasking to reveal your horrifying undertow; maybe then i would never be terrified of your current, unforeseen and vicious, pulling me under the indescribable surface of who you are now. 

but god, help me... hopefully i'm wrong; you're not just a surface, right? a thin layer of crystal clear water that is only a false portrayal of reality, manipulated by my own heart so i could temporarily forget the person (people) you have been. no, no please let this be real. prove me wrong, that i haven't fallen down another rabbit hole of imagination, that you are here to stay. i wish i could see past the pain in your eyes & discover the seed of your truth. and when i do dig it out of its position in your mind, it's exactly as you say it is. i wish for it to be the counterpart of my honesty. because... because i love you more then anyone will ever understand, i love you enough to pour out my dreams, i love you enough to forgive you & i know i will love you forever... but i also have neglected to focus on the fact that i love you enough, to be blind to what you're capable of doing. and with every step i take through the sidewalks of my heart, my footprints grow seeds of hope, and forgiveness but also of anger and... bitter nostalgia. 
i only hope the orchids you've bloomed will overpower whatever venom-laced dandelions have been planted in my overgrown garden of a heart. 

a false smile never built my wings, but her fallen feathers did

i wish i could send you some love. 

just pieces...

just pieces of that infinite love i know i hold for you;

so you can put it together, i swear. 

you'll twist it and break it and throw it to the sky, 

but in the end

will you piece it together,

& create something beautiful?

i hope you one day find what i've found in the pathway to your heart, & you find warmth in that

thought of you as everything, i've had but couldn't keep

i forgot the extent of my love for you in the beat of a raindrop's music.
though i knew that in the time where my question marked lips drip-drip-dripped worry, suffocating my thoughts with a cloak of hesitance... that love did not disappear. it was not absent, and in those few moments... instead of disappearing, it simply remained dormant; asleep as in the volcano that waits for its precious moment to seize the night. & as i burned my hope like acid, you just as easily took my poisoned fingertips and kissed each one with your love's delicacy. without even knowing what affect you held on me, my hope just as easily floated back & flooded the caverns of my knowledge with my love for you. and what you'll never know, is how many times in a day you hold the ability to do so.
whenever you rest your head on my shoulder and hold my waist with the ease of your hands, i remember that my overflow of vulnerability within your presence will never harm me, like it has before. instead, you take my fears and wring every morsel of suffocation out of them; & allow them to bask in the sun, collecting golden treasures of strength. whenever i catch your eyes staring into the very core of me, i feel the reflection of the collage of your apologies... & in that instant, i know you deserve to be forgiven for your former self. whenever you kiss me, you and only you hold the potential to emit a shower of permanent passion from every pore of my being. and whenever i'm within your delicately strong embrace, i know there's no other place in the entire world that holds the sense of warmth you do.
& in the end, you'll never quite know your affect on me. i wish i could reveal handfuls of what i see. if i could, i would catch the reflection of your eyes when they are pouring into mine, & melt it into tangible fragments i could hold in my palms. & for a few seconds, i'd give you a glimpse of that love; before inhaling it into the seeds of my soul so it could grow rosebuds of hope & forgiveness, pieces of me that were weakened in the fires of our past.

i wish i could finish this... but there will never be nothing to say, you teach me something every time i'm with you. but what will always be true and complete, is that i will love you, forever.

finding my skin

currently listening: atmosphere- lifter, puller 

"it gives me that feeling of being something i can only be with music, 

& the song always sounds different, depending on how you feel"

i feel so absent-minded lately; 

however, not in a sense of being preoccupied,

or having a film over my eyes  

more so, a simply... absent mind,

i don't have much to say or much to feel;

my thoughts aren't being carried over to the next moment;

i'm no longer processing why i lost a friendship, 

how i lost her in the midst of losing myself...

how i gave up caring for  myself, and in that blur of the 

spiral down the rabbit hole... i stopped caring about her, too.

and i no longer wonder why another friendship fell apart

i don't care to wonder how she unraveled,

how the thin veil of the "beautiful disaster, god save her soul" 

image came apart so easily in my eyes;

& i was left, staring at 

the woven tapestry of manipulation 

she considers a loving heart

because... the art of manipulation 

is best portrayed in one's ability to 

trick themselves, isn't it? 

 but i  can't say i don't find myself 
shifting to her kaleidoscope-pigment eyes 

& wondering if she still ponders 
how we somehow managed to grind the egdes,

that fit us together so perfectly, to the point where we no longer 

coincided as each other's other half's. 

and i can't say i don't let the thrumming anger 

in my bruised heart from her frozen words,

spilled ink splattered all over your "loving heart",

overwhelm my newfound future without her presence,

& take me by the hand and twirl me 

around the moon to the past.

absent-mind, 

i've lost you in the caverns of yesterday

& the prospects of tomorrow;

but with the series of events,

that's left my heart brimming

with searing realization...

i think i'll leave you lost, keep you hidden

i'll just let the soothing darkness of disappearance 

drown the monsters when you sleep.

   

only to discover

Sinking within my winter limbs

I travelled through the rotten cobblestone

labyrinths, of spider

                                  webbed forevermore’s

& when the petals drowned the chasms in the road,

i only knew

that i had found you;

there will I forever remain,

intertwined beneath the midnight lucidity of our eyes.

inhaling the freckles of your skin as you leave

crumpled imprints of mosaic stained fingerprints on my limbs.

Tugging on the threads of my stunned heart

you separated crumbled constellations,

so I could tell them apart.

tug a few strings & let me fall apart..

i forged the lyrics on the imprints of your palms

bleeding purple ink into

the permanent possession of your veins;

for every treasured embrace of the

lines of my face

were spindle-spun into the crevice of your smile. 

i would have stolen those corners, 

sinking my pressed kisses into your fingers; 

a woven note to remember me by, 

& crooks of you i could hold on to 

maybe,

the falsities in your forever's could 

grow stems of longing;

blooming orchids in your field of roses