Blown a wish.

I wish I didn't have the most perfect vision, so I could see awkward areas of color & the filled in lines of the skyline, without detail,... yet still incredibly exquisite. I wish I had trouble hearing, so I could lift the volume of my voice and plunge my ear drums with the vibrating noise of my scream; I wish I could open my lungs, & never be able to hear my own voice unless I really let my heart fill up with everything good & bad in this life, & drain it to the cement beneath my feet, and the blue above my eyes. I wish I had temporary stages of numbness throughout the day, so the shock of the next tragedy wouldn't leave a scar on such tattered skin. 

More then that,

I wish the world wasn't so hard to look at sometimes. 

I wish it didn't inject venom into my vision, 

I wish the colors weren't so vibrant, so harsh to stare into. 

I wish... sometimes, things were easier to hear,

easier to listen to. 

I wish... I never had to force myself to be numb,

because the scars I left myself,

the scars burned into my flesh were nonexistent.

I need a dose of leeches to my heart, 
to drain my body of the bad blood,

swimming through my veins &
 keeping me up at night. I need to love him,

before I lose him. I need to sweep, drown & 
destroy the ashes in my heart, 

rain them over the ocean & let them go. 

Because,

If I keep digging into them,
 keep leaving the remnants of the dirty surface

of my soul underneath my fingernails, I'll never heal. 

I NEED TO LET MY LUNGS.... BREATHE, 

I need to swim up to the surface,

stress, tear & force my muscles to exert every 

sense of power they hold, & 

I need to stop drowning. 

I must, because despite my denial, 

I will never be able to swim once I've hit 

the bottom of the ocean.

From now on, I will not be the person I was today, yesterday. 

I

am

swimming.