maybe

Maybe,

I could clutter a thousand constellations spread on the ceiling of your palms

--dig them honeysuckle deep into my ridges;

            & to be blind to the oncoming melodies, when the blue and black bees come singing

            i will sweep the dust under my eyes and blink them,

             shuttered shut from the oncoming melody.

& we will still remain, intertwined:

fingerstems of you in my skin

will those

cluster bees follow me?

bled your ink into my serenity

every time i allow my mind to overwork, 

to spin & turn its notches that are rusted & withering away, 

i always end up turning them back off,

allowing them to give into the ultimate sense of bliss: the power of nothing.

because, because,

i'll never be able to find the answers as to 

why she is the way she is, 

why he did what he did, 

why i am.. what i am. 

SO WHY TRY?

i fucking quit.

first try, be gentle.

today, i went to a discussion with three poets,

all of whom write political pieces

& i was inspired to write this.

one minute;

she could hear her own heels clicking,

clicked

against the sharpened dirt of her backyard

next minute;

the patterns of her footsteps lost,

as the ground puzzle-piece disappeared

beneath her firefly laced eyes;

one minute;

gasping cold water breaths,

as the laughter rang bright in the ears

of a mother, a father

chasing after ponytailed hair,

laughter rang bright in the ears

of a mother, a father

next minute;

choking on her paralyzing

wonder, the ground choking

on the dust splitting,

split

beneath the absence of the

click in her heels

I wonder if her eyes closed before she

plunged into the depths of her knowledge’s death

I wonder,

what schemes she sought,

            that would forever be,

            incomplete. 

Did she bloom roses?

            Petals buried beneath

            the debri

of a mother, a father.

fear is suffocating, selfish, haunting, inescapable.

blocked.

captured
caught
discovered
monsters
spine
spring
caress
clutch
lost
breeze
found
soul
forever
now
lead
happy
anxious
eternal
poison
lost
lost
found
found
here
fingers
there
goodbye

Blown a wish.

I wish I didn't have the most perfect vision, so I could see awkward areas of color & the filled in lines of the skyline, without detail,... yet still incredibly exquisite. I wish I had trouble hearing, so I could lift the volume of my voice and plunge my ear drums with the vibrating noise of my scream; I wish I could open my lungs, & never be able to hear my own voice unless I really let my heart fill up with everything good & bad in this life, & drain it to the cement beneath my feet, and the blue above my eyes. I wish I had temporary stages of numbness throughout the day, so the shock of the next tragedy wouldn't leave a scar on such tattered skin. 

More then that,

I wish the world wasn't so hard to look at sometimes. 

I wish it didn't inject venom into my vision, 

I wish the colors weren't so vibrant, so harsh to stare into. 

I wish... sometimes, things were easier to hear,

easier to listen to. 

I wish... I never had to force myself to be numb,

because the scars I left myself,

the scars burned into my flesh were nonexistent.

I need a dose of leeches to my heart, 
to drain my body of the bad blood,

swimming through my veins &
 keeping me up at night. I need to love him,

before I lose him. I need to sweep, drown & 
destroy the ashes in my heart, 

rain them over the ocean & let them go. 

Because,

If I keep digging into them,
 keep leaving the remnants of the dirty surface

of my soul underneath my fingernails, I'll never heal. 

I NEED TO LET MY LUNGS.... BREATHE, 

I need to swim up to the surface,

stress, tear & force my muscles to exert every 

sense of power they hold, & 

I need to stop drowning. 

I must, because despite my denial, 

I will never be able to swim once I've hit 

the bottom of the ocean.

From now on, I will not be the person I was today, yesterday. 

I

am

swimming.

Where is she?

Can you,
bring her back?
Because I don't like the thing that's replaced her.